Surviving
by Kacella
Summary: It's a month after Sirius gets in Azkaban, things don't look too peachy, and he's looking back...


A/N: Uh... this is the first fan fic I ever wrote- I have others, but they are to dumb to post, this one's kind of bad too, but I expect REVIEW, flames, of course, are welcomed.  
  
Disclaimer: Guess what!!! It's a shocker: The events, characters and basically everything IS NOT MINE!!!  
  
AZKABAN  
By Kacella  
  
It's so cold. Let them pass. Let them die. Let me die. Sirius Black closed his eyes. Drip... drip... drip... outside it was raining, although the sounds weren't real to him. After a month in Azkaban the visions still hadn't stopped.   
  
Beyond the realms of the four walls that now held him prisoner was nothing. Another dementor passed, Sirius felt another chill roll down his spine. He felt another one coming, another memory...  
  
Sirius and James sat in the Great Hall, they were both in their seventh year at Hogwarts and having a great time so far.   
  
Sirius was trying to throw food at the Slytherins with out being caught, failing utterly and getting the evil eye from Professor McGonagal. She was walking towards the Gryffindor table as the Owl Post arrived, enabling her.   
  
A large barn owl came and landed next to Sirius, he took the message and the owl flew back off, taking some of Sirius' toast with him. As Sirius read his heart began to thud. As he finished his face was chalk white.   
  
He re-read the letter, skipping some lines, reading only the ones that seemed important, the handwriting was blotched and shaky, it looked like someone had cried during writing the letter.  
  
Dear Sirius,  
I have very grave news...Your Father died last night in his sleep. The doctors said it could have been the after effects of the Cruciatus Curse... he had internal injuries... I suppose it was, it was HIM...At the time we thought it best not to tell you but, now that this has happened... The funeral is on 3/4/75... He is to be buried in Ireland... Pick you up at Kings Cross.  
Love,  
Mum  
  
After reading this letter he felt like throwing up. The world started spinning, James head started to become blurry, so did McGonagall's, and for the first time in years, Sirius cried.  
  
Sirius was breathing shakily, even though he was starting to become used to the memory... it came back so often. Another cool wave, another tearless sob, another memory of loneliness...  
  
Remus Lupin sat across from him, massaging his temples with his knuckles.  
  
"Sirius, give yourself up! You can't do this to James and Lily, they're your friends, dammit." He said, a threatening ring in his voice. Remus' eyes were blazing, he looked more wolf-like than ever.  
  
"And so they are, Moony, but there also yours," said Sirius, giving Remus an accusing stare.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about? I know you're working for Voldemort! He knows of their whereabouts. Sirius, someone from our circle is giving Voldemort information. I know it's you! The whole world knows it's you. Dumbledore just won't thoroughly believe it!"  
  
Sirius then looked at his old friend and shook his head. Remus 'Moony' Lupin on the Dark Side. Everything had changed. Sirius sighed and left the room with one last look at his old friend.  
  
Sirius looked up at the ceiling of his closet sized cell. If he had known then what he knew now... things could have been so different. But it was no use thinking about what could have happened. Now everything had changed. If he had only known about Peter, though. Wormtail...  
  
Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, James Potter and Sirius Black sat in James' living room. All had been called upon by Lily, James' wife of two months. They sat in the room discussing Voldemort and his plans of taking over, he was quickly gaining ground and if something didn't happen soon it would be the living hell for both muggles and wizards alike, yet in some aspects it was already so. James, Sirius and Remus led the conversation, with Peter nodding and grunting at some points.   
  
He's even too stupid to lead an intelligent conversation, Sirius thought meanly.  
  
After a while Lily Potter came in, she had a huge smile on her face and carried a Champaign bottle and her wand, four Champaign glasses came along beside her, floating in mid-air.  
  
"So, Mrs. Potter? What's this big news you have for us?" asked Sirius, taking the Champaign bottle from her hand and placing a kiss on her cheek, "O la la!" he said with a heavy French accent, playing the wine expert, "Zis eez year...euh... très magnificent! My darling Leely."  
  
"So what's the special occasion for?" inquired Remus, avoiding Sirius' eyes.   
  
"And I see you didn't get a glass for Peter. Good thinking, seeing how you just got new carpeting..." said Sirius, this got him a scowl from Peter, which he ignored completely.  
  
"Silly! I'm the one who's not drinking! Sit down and I'll tell you why," she told them, sitting down next to James, who sat there, looking confused.  
  
She cleared her throat and then said, "Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I love all of you to death, and I felt that you should be the first to know. You see, I just found out yesterday and, I, I, I'm rambling! I'm sorry, I may as well come out with it: James and I are to become parents!"  
  
She looked at James who sat there with an expression of fear and delight on his face.  
"M-me!? A father!? Why Lily, that's amazing! W-When's it due?"  
  
"Late July or early August, it's really to early to tell," she said, beaming.  
  
The rest of the evening was spent laughing, asking and congratulating, no one noticed that Peter remained oddly silent.  
  
That memory should have calmed Sirius down, being as happy as it was, but instead, it made him feel worse, like all memories were supposed to in Azkaban.   
  
What had become of his godson, Harry? Was he still that happy gurgling little baby from his earlier memories? Or was he as he last saw him? Bleeding from the forehead and wailing loudly. So many questions, none to be answered as long as he was in this icebox of a prison.   
  
Sirius looked out of his barred door, he could just barely see a young woman with brown, stringy hair leaning against her door. She had been here for only five days.   
  
She started banging her head against the bars and then started convulsing violently. Her seizure steadied and she sat, half asleep, trembling slightly screaming: "When he rises he will be more powerful than ever before! Beware of my master! Beware of the Dark Lord! Friends and Foes alike! BEWARE!"   
  
The prophet then settled and slept, tossing and turning. Sirius doubted she would last long, yet the first few days of Azkaban were said to be the worst. He didn't remember his that well, flashes of horror... then wishes... wishing to die... to escape...  
  
"Sirius. I wanted to ask you of a favour." James sat with Sirius in James' kitchen. Moving crates where stacked making it easier for a total apparition of the Potter's things. They were moving out of there house in five days, in hopes of escaping Voldemort, who was searching them.  
  
"Anything Prongs, you name it."  
  
"Dumbledore is willing to put the house under the Fidelius Charm.. the loyalty charm. You've been my truest friend since... God, I don't even know anymore. You're just like a brother to me. I know someone in our group has been passing information to Voldemort, but I trust you. If you tell me you've been loyal and true to our cause, I'll believe you."  
  
"That's me, the loyal dog. I swear I've been true, Prongs, if anything happened to you... or Lily... or Potter Junior, I'd want to die. I-I... I've always thought of you as my brother, too."  
  
"Padfoot, I want you to become my secret keeper."  
  
"James! That'd be great. I'd love to. I accept! I-I would be honoured."  
  
Lily then walked in with the one-year-old Harry Potter. "Sirius, have you two talked it over? Do you accept?"  
  
A wave of anxiety swept through Sirius. He saw the mother cradling the baby protectively in her arms. If something happened to this family... Could he handle the responsibility? Yes. He was willing.  
  
"Yes, Lily, I accept. Now, let me see my beautiful godson!"  
  
The baby giggled and grabbed a handful of Sirius' short hair. His green eyes stared at Sirius, they bared a strong contrast to his black hair. His best friends' son. Yes, he was willing.  
  
It was another memory that made Sirius cringe. He put his hands on his head, knowing what would come next, what memory would come next. The worst one, the one, in which he had unknowingly killed them and made an orphan of Harry. He shuddered. He wouldn't change form yet. He needed to be reminded. To be punished.  
  
"James... I've been thinking. Voldemort will know that I'm your secret keeper, he'll go to any length to get that information. No one knows that better than you do. What you and Lily need is... someone you can trust, but somebody whom nobody suspects. Have you talked to Dumbledore?" asked Sirius. He had run the plan over in his mind, no, he wouldn't do. They needed somebody who wouldn't be noticed.  
  
"Yes we have," replied James, "but I don't think it wise to put anybody of his position at risk. If he was suspected..."  
  
"Have you thought about asking Peter?"  
  
"Peter? Well, yes... that's a good idea. He's always been loyal to us. Nobody would suspect him... maybe we could also try Remus?"  
  
"No! Some one from our group is giving old Voldie information. Look, I've tried to see this whole werewolf thing open mindedly... but the fact remains... Look, he is what he is. Werewolves are not said to be... very trustworthy."  
  
James bit his lip and nodded, "I know. That thought has crossed my mind. I guess Peter would be a good choice, then."  
  
Sirius smiled sadly, "God, I can't believe it's come to this. Damn this whole mess. Damn Voldemort!"  
  
James returned the sad smile.  
  
Lily walked in, "I just put Harry to bed. He was in a bad mood." she couldn't help laughing a little at this, though. She turned and saw Sirius, "Oh, hi Sirius. What are you doing here. You weren't supposed to come until tomorrow. That's when we go into hiding."  
  
James frowned, "Sirius and I agree, it would be too obvious if he became secret keeper. We decided on Peter. What do you say, Lily?"  
  
Lily looked at the two men quizzically, "Peter? Do you really think... Well, I suppose." She then shrugged of whatever she was thinking and went to join the two men.  
  
Why hadn't they chosen Remus? Sirius gave a dry sob. If they had given the secret to Remus, or told Remus of the change... Everything would be different. Harry would have parents. Lily and James would still have been alive. Sirius looked down and buried his face in his hands. No. How could this of happened? Why? At least Harry was safe, he thought. A comforting thought, though not happy because of the circumstances.   
  
Sirius looked down at his nails and around in his cell, dirty, grimy, Sirius was disgusted. How much longer would he have to stay before he found the opportunity or reason to get out? Days? Months? Years? Decades? Would he ever be found innocent of the crime he did not commit but still felt guilty of? He looked down at his hands. Dirt was encrusted in and around the long, rugged fingernails. He grabbed a strand of hair. Dreadlocks were already forming, only after a month, matted with grime.  
  
This was unfair. Death would be by far fairer. He deserved death, he thought, but this, this was torture of the first degree.  
  
He sat there, imprisoned, while the man who killed his best friends ran free. Where was the justice? He doubted Peter felt the slightest twinge of guilt.   
  
Sirius had no contact to the outside world, he only knew that Peter was presumed dead, and that was enough. He would get his revenge, for James, Lily, Harry, and all others who stood close to the Potters.  
  
Again Sirius became dizzy, he again felt that liquid ice was flowing through his veins. He twitched, and closed his eyes to welcome another memory...  
  
About a week later Sirius went to check on Peter at his hideout. He knocked.  
  
No answer.  
  
Shit, thought Sirius. They know, they found out.   
  
Sirius started hitting the door, screaming, "Wormtail! Are you in there? Open up! OPEN UP!" Sirius was now panicking, he looked around for traces of a break-in. He found nothing. Seeing all doors and windows were locked, Sirius broke a window open.  
  
Sirius squeezed through the window, his leather bikers jacket becoming severely scratched, yet that was the least of his problems.  
  
As he walked through the broken shards of glass all to be heard was him. Crunch... crunch...crunch... The sounds made the hairs in the back of his neck prickle.   
  
Something was wrong.  
  
Sirius looked around, in a desperate search for something unusual, he finally found something. The small light Peter always kept on for his notorious fear of the dark was off. Peter wasn't planning on coming back.  
  
Sirius looked back around the house. Nothing seamed real anymore... it was like a dream sequence. Was this a dream? A nightmare?  
  
Sirius then crawled back out of the window, completely forgetting the front door.   
  
He walked to the motorcycle...  
  
Put on his helmet...  
  
Keys...  
  
Gas...  
  
Then he flew...  
  
  
Sirius opened his eyes, panting. Though he couldn't see them he knew that his eyes were blood shot. He never once slept in Azkaban. He zoned out... went into trances... but he never slept... too many nightmares... Many people died of exhaustion, only the strong, both mentally and physically, survived.   
  
Would he survive? Could he? Did he want to?  
  
He didn't want to feel any more pain. He couldn't remember ever being happy. Had he ever been happy? Surely, but that seemed so far away now. He knew he had been happy many times before, yet he couldn't remember that special feeling.  
  
Sirius flew further into the night, into the darkness. He sensed something, he knew something wasn't right.   
  
What?  
  
As he got nearer the house that had been hiding the Potters from Lord Voldemort, the smell of smoke almost choked him.  
  
He sensed it more than he saw it, Lord Voldemort had been here. Had he had mercy? Had the Potters asked for mercy? Please, let him of had mercy.  
  
He slammed to the ground, throwing the bike down in hurry, his most prized possession.  
  
He had been right about the fire, it came from the Potter's house... or what was left of their house.  
  
Boards, tile and fragments of furniture littered the pavement. He saw stuffed animals stuck in a nearby tree. The sight made him sick.  
  
Sirius first started looking through the pieces of the house, then started calling for Lily and James, not yet crying, for he had not given up hope.  
  
A very large figure made his way toward him.  
  
Lord Voldemort? His heart hammered against his chest so hard that it hurt.  
  
As the figure neared Sirius he saw that he had been far of, not Voldemort, but Rubeus Hagrid, the gamekeeper at Hogwarts`.  
  
He was holding something, something that was making loud noises, it took a while before Sirius realised it was Harry crying.  
  
"Hagrid! Where are James and Lily? What's happened?" said Sirius, urgency in his voice.  
  
"It was all Yeh-know-who´s doin''`" said Hagrid, referring to Voldemort. His voice reflected the sorrow in his face. Sirius knew before he asked again, "What happened to James and Lily!?"  
  
"Sorry, Black," he said, two fat tears rolling down his face, "they're dead."  
  
Sirius ran into the wreckage, tears rolling down his cheeks, he tripped over something. He looked down, James' body.   
  
"James!" yelled Sirius, shaking his old friend. It was no use. His clothes were burnt because of a small nearby fire, yet Sirius could see a tight lipped frown of decision on his friends face. His facial expression hadn't changed after he died. "Dear God..."  
  
He ran further in search of Lily, maybe she was just knocked out...  
  
He found her, also dead. Half of her body was smashed by a couch, yet on her face was a smile of triumph, she had died knowing something Voldemort had not.  
  
He went back to Hagrid.  
  
"Hagrid..." he said between sobs, "I'll take Harry, I'm his godfather, he needs to be protected from Voldemort."  
  
Hagrid flinched and then replied, "He's dead. He got killt tryin' ter curse 'Arry. Dumbledore said that's wut musta happened."  
  
Sirius stared, "D-dead? Because of a baby?" Yet Sirius was too sad to smile. And burst out sobbing, massive sobs, that shook his whole body.  
  
Hagrid was crying too, yet he comforted Sirius, "Look, I understand how it is ter loose people yeh love. I lost me Dad when I was younger. But life goes on. Now, yeh have every right ter cry, but be happy 'Arry´s alive."  
  
Sirius looked at Hagrid, "How is he?"   
  
Hagrid gave Sirius the wailing baby. What Sirius saw made his heart brake even more. On Harry's forehead, between the masses of black hair, was a huge red wound, that looked like it had been slashed with a knife. "A curse scar." he whispered.  
  
Sirius tried to soothe Harry between sobs, but a crying man couldn't soothe a crying baby.  
  
"Hagrid, I'll take him home, after all, I'm his godfather."  
  
"No, Dumbledore wants the babe. I'm sorry, but I'm on special orders from him to get Harry he's ter go ter his aunt and uncle."  
  
Sirius nodded, "Then take the motorcycle, I won't be needing it."  
  
"Are yeh sure?"  
  
"Yes, I have my own job to take care of. Let me just... let me just say good bye." Sirius then placed a kiss on Harry's cheek.  
  
"Good- bye, Hagrid."  
  
"Bye."  
  
He watched them leave before he apparated to find Wormtail.  
  
Sirius put his hands over his eyes...the dead bodies of James and Lily...His doings?   
  
Had Harry's wound healed? Where was he at this very moment? Last he heard he had been sent to live with muggle relatives.   
  
Well, thought Sirius, at least he has people who love him, but he must miss his parents. Does he remember me?  
  
He had seen many dead bodies since coming to Azkaban, everyday since his arrival, the body of at least one person who had died in their cell was dragged outside by the dementors, passed Sirius` cell.   
  
He was now in a state of irrelevance, but the first few times he kept asking himself Who will be next? Me?   
  
Dead bodies and screams, now part of his daily life...  
  
Sirius spent the whole night and next morning trying to find Peter.  
  
He finally found him on a crowded street in London.  
  
"On the run, are we?" Sirius said quietly, a deathful threatening ton in his voice.  
  
Peter turned around, "W-what do you m-mean Sirius? W-what's a matter?"  
  
"So you sold them out."  
  
"Sold who out?"  
  
"Wormtail, don't play the clueless one. Your master died because of you. Everyone from both side will be after you. Turn yourself in."  
  
"SIRIUS! YOU`RE CRAZY! YOU KILLED JAMES AND LILY! HOW COULD YOU?!?" Peter kept shouting this and exploded into fake sobs. He already had a wand in his hand, "Bye Sirius. You know, it really wasn't all my fault." he added softly. He took out a knife and whimpered. He then cut off his finger, and instead of screaming, he shouted a curse with his wand, and transformed into a rat. He then ran into the sewer to join the other rats.  
  
Sirius stood there for a whole minute with his wand in his hand. It took a moment before he realised there had been an explosion. He had wanted to curse Peter, but Peter had been quicker, it must of been planned.  
  
As the Ministry officials came he still stood there stunned, deaf to the world. As he finally realised what was happening, and what had happened, he burst out laughing crazily. It was all so surreal... this couldn't be true!   
  
Peter had outsmarted them all!  
  
The laughter of a broken man rung through the stunned street.  
  
Sirius shook his head, the irony of the whole thing still had him stunned. Evil had lost, good had won, but at such great costs. The one who was truly guilty was left unpunished, being praised and mourned. Was Peter Pettigrew now a hero? He would get his revenge, Sirius pledged.  
  
A middle- aged woman then came through the passage outside of his door. She was shivering and looked harassed. Was he like that when he first came to Azkaban?  
  
After being arrested for selling James and Lily out Sirius was sent strait to Azkaban, without even a trial.  
  
He stood there, surrounded by ministry officials as he made his way to Azkaban.  
  
Many of them were pale and shivering, some had even had to leave. His arms were tied together with coils, he was also gagged. Everyone who had looked at him looked quickly away, Sirius was starting to feel very cold.   
  
As they came to the main gates of the cliff island he was handed to the dementors. He heard there rattling breath as he walked between them, his head hung low.  
  
He tried to ignore the pleads and screams coming from the cells. He didn't know which was worse, the screams of hopelessness or the dementors. Every thing that had ever made him sad in his life came back in a rush.   
  
Everything started to get foggy, but he managed to remain conscious until they threw him into his cell, were he passed out.   
  
After he regained consciousness, he started shivering, weeping...  
  
Not fair, Lily...James...Harry...all of this just wasn't fair.   
  
Sirius felt he was just beginning to see how bleak and hopeless life really was, the world really was.  
  
He felt suicidal, yet fought to stay alive for revenge.  
  
What was the point? The point of life? The point of this pathetic, depressing place?  
  
No point.   
  
No point of anything.  
  
As the days went by, he realised that he needed to stay alive.   
  
In honour of the Potters, to show that Peter hadn't ruined everything.   
  
He would show Peter to the world as he really was, a rat. A useless, filthy, greedy rat.   
  
Hungry for power, yet weak and useless.  
  
He'd show them.  
  
Sirius blinked, he couldn't remember love, hope, happiness, nothing to brighten up this bleak place. So what was the point? The question had been haunting Sirius for the past month.  
  
He was innocent, in a sense.  
  
But now he was beyond tears, out of them.  
  
He became stronger everyday... thinking, knowing that even though some of it was his fault, the Dark Side was really to blame.  
  
As he changed into his dog form he thought, I'll stay alive for the cause, for James, for Lily, for Harry  



End file.
